Some Random Conversations From Last Weekend

19:20 PM Thursday 13 July
Paulo and I flew to Bournemouth last Thursday with Ryanair (or more appropriately Ryanmare). The flight was OK but the landing was a (near) disaster. Now, I have been on flights before with dodgy landings but this had to be one of the worst that I have ever experienced. The plane actually touched down (actually, it just dropped down) then went back up in the air for a second and dropped down on the runway again. I would estimate that we were going about 50-75 miles an hour too fast to land as the plane swerved a bit side to side before taking a really long time to actually slow down. This was our chat:

P: Jaysus lad! What the fook was that!?
D: I don't know. Probably the worst landing ever!
P: The pilots must have been having the chatsies and didn't realise they had to land the bleedin' thing. It's like they were busy chatting and the co-pilot tapped them on the shoulder and said "em, lads - it's time to land!" And they were like "Oh fuck! Yeah! Thanks mate!"
D: Yeah, they were definitely distracted all right. What do you think they were talking about?P: Actually lad, I think they were so busy chatting that they forgot to put the wheels down. We're after landing without the bleeding wheels!
D: No dude. I think they put the feckin' stairs down instead of the wheels and when we first touched down the stairs hit the runway, they went back up and tried to fold the stairs back up again. Either way, it's a nightmare. Em, lad - do you think we are still going a bit fast?
P: Yeah, I do. But you know what lad? This airport is really small and so are the runways. I really hope we slow down soon because if not we are going to run out of bleedin' room!
D: Really?
P: Nah. I'm just messing. About the runways. But we should feckin' slow down soon... Lad, remind me to never fly Ryanmare again!

21:45 PM Friday 14 July
On the advice of brightontourism.com we went to a tapas bar called Don Carlos Tapas in The Lanes. It was really good but quite over priced for what it was - tapas. We shared about 4 dishes and had 6 beers. It probably cost twice what it would in Madrid but the service was OK and the entire staff were Spanish so it was pretty authentic. Paulo spotted a girl at a table with about 15 people at it behind us. This was our observation:

P: For fucks sake lad. Would you look at the size of your wan back there!
D: God almighty!
P: I think she is after eating every single bit of food on the bleedin' table all by herself.
D: Em, lad. Is it my imagination or is there someone missing from that table. I could of sworn there was some dude sitting next to her. I think she is after eating him as well! She feckin' ATE Joey!
P: (During fits of laughter) Waiter! Waiter! Could I have another bottle of wine please? I need to wash Joey down here! Fuckin' hell lad. That is qualiteeeee!..

23:00 PM Friday 14 July
After the meal we tried to get into a bar / club called Funky Buddha Lounge in The Arches. This was our encounter with the bouncer:

P: Hiya.
D: Hiya.
Bouncer: All right lads. Listen, you're going to have to come back here in about 30 minutes. There are too many blokes in here at the moment. There are too many and not enough women inside.
P: Ya what?
D: Sorry, did you say there are too many blokes inside?
Bouncer: Yes, I did. You will have to come back in half an hour.
D: Well, it IS Brighton isn't it? I mean, aren't there lots of blokes here in general?
P: Sorry. If there are too many blokes inside, are you not the one who let them all in? What's the problem?
Bouncer: Lads, you can't come in. Please move aside and let these ladies through.
D: Can we go in after them? There won't be so many blokes inside then.
Bouncer: No.
(Walking away)
D: Fuckin' hell lad.
P: (In his best Brighton accent) It's fuckin' Brighton mate. Innit?
D: What a load of rhubarb.
P: Yeah, it's fookin' ballicks all right...

01:30(ish) AM Friday 14 July
Since we couldn't get into The Funky Buddha Lounge we went for a stroll into town and came across a bar called The Full Moon. It looked cool because there wasn't too many people inside and there was a DJ playing on decks that were right on the bar. What made it even better (for me) was the fact that they had Leffe on tap. Happy days! After a couple of hours of some obscure but quality funk & disco, I decided to ask your man to play a tune. This is how it went:

Me: Howya? How's it going?
DJ: Good, good. How are you?
Me: Grand. Listen, the music is fantastic! Really, really good. Do you take any requests?
DJ: Well, not really. I will try to play something if I have it but I can't really promise anything.
Me: OK. Well, do you have any Michael Jackson?
(The dude gives me one of the most ferocious glares that I have ever seen)
Me: Hey listen, I wasn't trying to insult you or anything. But I just thought that a bit of MJ would be kinda cool right now.
DJ: Eh, no. I definitely don't have anything. And even if I did I would never play it. So, no. No Michael Jackson.

(He turns his back to me to look for the next record and totally ignores me).

Me: God almighty. There's no need to be so rude you feckin' Barclay's banker...

I returned to my seat at the bar a bit dejected and very unimpressed. Turns out he played one good tune afterwards - Express Yourself. Then, he went off on some off-the-wall pop / junk tangent that completely ruined the mood. I reckon he should have just played some Michael Jackson...

20:45 PM Saturday 15 July
We went to a really good Italian restaurant called Pablo's for a meal on Saturday night. The food was great and the prices were incredibly cheap. I decided to go for dessert and a digestive after the meal. I ordered an Amaretto (as you do in an Italian restaurant). The waiter brought the drink to the table and I immediately thought that it was too small. What I mean is that there wasn't enough of the drink in the glass. This is what followed:

(Stopping the next waitress I saw)

D: Em, sorry. I ordered an Amaretto but this looks to be a bit small. Is there any chance that you could have some more put into the glass?
Waitress: Yes, of course. No problem.

(She walks away)

P: (Shaking his head) Lad, what are you at?
D: What do you mean?
P: That drink was fine. What are you expecting? It's a liqueur.
D: I know that! But every time that I have ever ordered that drink you usually get more than that. I mean it's not a full drink but you would generally get almost a full glass.
P: I don't know lad.
D: Seriously. I swear to God.
P: OK. OK.

(He obviously didn't want to get into a disagreement)

D: Really lad. I am NOT losing my mind. It is ALWAYS served with more than that small amount.
P: OK.

(The waiter returns with another drink - with even LESS amaretto than the first one!)

D: Sorry. I am after sending back the first drink because there wasn't enough amaretto in it but this one has even less.
Waiter: (looking at me very strangely) Well sir, that is how the drink is served. It is one measure.
D: Well, I drink this from time to time and I have never been served one that is so small. Could I please have some more added to it?
Waiter: Of course, we can give you a double measure.
D: Well, hold on a minute. If you do that, are you going to charge me extra?
Waiter: Yes, of course. We are going to charge you double.

(I roll my eyes in well, disgust)

(The waiter turns to his colleague)

Waiter: Is this a full measure of amaretto?
Waitress: Let me see. Yes, that is a proper measure.
Waiter: Should there be more in this drink?
Waitress: No, that is a normal amaretto.
D: (seeing there was no way that I could win this argument) Never mind. It's OK. I will just keep this drink.

(The waiter leaves)

P: Lad, do you know what? The measurements are smaller here in the UK.
D: What do you mean?
P: Here a measure is 25cl. Back home it is 33cl.
D: Well, do you think that you could have explained that to me before I made such an ass of myself? I mean it is an easy enough thing to do without any further help.
P: (lowers his head and just starts laughing) Sorry lad...

Brazil-ectro

Another Saturday night and another gig under my belt - in fact it was the public debut of DJ Kub...

Three of my friends are doing a trek in Brazil in September in aid of a children's hospital in Dublin. Last Saturday night was one of their fundraising events - a Brazilian theme party, complete with a Samba band and DJ (me). It was an absolutely brilliant night. The girls put so much effort into the food, the drinks and the decorations. Everything was fantastic and of course there was the music.

I was first up at 8:00 as a bit of a warm-up, playing some lounge and Latin flavoured tunes for about 90 minutes. Then, it was time for the band. They played for 45 minutes covering some well known stuff as well as some much more traditional Brazilian music. During their break, I played a couple of more tunes and then they took to the stage again. For the second half of their set they had a woman give an impromptu salsa dancing lesson. Everyone was having a great time except that they only played one song for about 15 minutes during the lesson / practice session. I think it was a cover of Bob Marley's 'No Woman No Cry'. That would have been fine except they played a 10 minute version of it during their first set!

After they finished to thunderous applause and cheers, one of the girls asked them to play a brief encore (only about 15-20 minutes). They willingly obliged (much to the dismay of the sound guy who had already unplugged all of their mics). After frantically trying to reconnect everything they began their encore. Unfortunately, this also contained another version of 'No Woman No Cry'! It was only for a couple of minutes in between two other songs but it was still there.

Next up after the band was a bit of a curve ball - a flamenco dancer. Direct from Spain. Apparently the band leader had the idea and didn't tell anyone. But after several attempts of actually trying to find the woman we discussed the music and she chose a couple of tunes to dance to. Again, it was really good and very entertaining.

All in all the band did an excellent job of offering some great tunes, varied music (except for the Marley tune) and dancing.

But the time had finally come for the disco...

Now the pressure was on. I was going to have to keep the atmosphere going and get everyone on the dance floor. If I was able to do that I was going to have to keep them there. Fortunately, I had a good night. I played some requests, threw in a few "floor fillers" and served up just the right amount of cheese to satisfy almost everyone.

One woman asked me to play the song 'Shame' by Evelyn King and when I obliged she went bananas. On her way out, she hugged me and thanked me for "getting her in the mood". I am not quite sure what she meant but her boyfriend / husband had a huge smile on his face as they were leaving...

During one of the songs a member of the bar staff approached me to "constructively" offer his opinion on the sound. He thought that I should turn down the bass a little bit and perhaps lower the overall sound as well. I thanked him for his input, turned a few knobs and when he went back to the bar I turned the volume up even more. He didn't come back and I had a good laugh with the sound guy about it.

Once the bar closed (around 1:15) the staff started to get a bit itchy about wrapping things up. I spoke to one of them and when he asked me to stop around 1:30, I asked for an extra 10 minutes to which he agreed. But that was not to be the end. I was asked by several people to keep playing and was able to keep things going for another 3 songs. In fact, I would have kept going until they pulled the plug but the sound guy was well, pardon the pun but really sound! We were having the chats all night and when he turned to me and said "look mate, I really, really have to get home" I actually believed him and said that I would wrap it up.

So, the following is the complete list of what I played during the night. Many, many thanks to the girls (Zoe, Lisa & Cathy) for having me and supplying me with endless bottles of Heineken all evening. It was an absolute pleasure to be able to help them and contribute to the night.

Lounge Set
-----------------
01. Breakfast Club Di Milano - Giacomo Bondi
02. Let's Stay Together - Boris Gardiner
03. Nem Vem Que Nao Tem - Wilson Simonal
04. Bossa Per Due - Nicola Conte
05. Daytripper - Sergio Mendes & Brazil '66
06. Batucada - Walter Wanderley
07. Rama Lama Lama (Bossa Mix) - Paul Derrick
08. Lady (Acoustique Version) - Modjo
09. Just Can't Get Enough - Nouvelle Vague
10. Pass The Dutchie - Musical Youth
11. Crik Crak - The Lovers
12. House Of Bamboo - Earl Grant
13. Sway - Perez Prado ft Rosemary Clooney
14. Hound Dog - Betty Everett
15. No Puede Darte Nada Mas Que Amor - Jaime Delgado Aparicio
16. Funk da Virada - Antonio Pinto / Ed Cortes
17. Gypsy Woman - Joe Bataan
18. Sonado - Poncho Sanchez
19. Spanish Grease - Willie Bobo
20. Spill The Wine - War
21. Why Don't You Do Right - Mark Murphy
22. Mas Que Nada (Leave It) - Jorge Ben
23. Hit The Road Jack (Pena Estrada) - Mo' Horizons
24. Vida de Otario - Antonio Pinto / Ed Cortes
25. Musica Del Alma - The TnT Boys
26. Never Learned To Dance - Harvey Averne
27. Peckings - Ballistic Brothers
28. The Mambo Craze (Radio Edit) - De-Phazz ft Pat Appleton
29. See-Line Woman - Nina Simone
30. Soul Drummer (Tim 'Love' Lee Re-edit) - Ray Barretto
31. Got Myself A Good Man - Pucho & The Latin Soul Brothers
32. Theme From "The Apartment" - Tito Rodriquez
33. Cuchy Frito Man - Cal Tjader
34. I Can't Get No Satisfaction - Jose Feliciano

Disco Set
--------------
35. The Bottle - Gil Scott-Heron
36. Get On The Good Foot - James Brown
37. Theme From Shaft - Isaac Hayes
38. Hot Stuff - Donna Summer
39. Hey Ya! - Outkast
40. Crazy - Gnarles Barkley
41. Kiss - Prince
42. Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes
43. Holiday - Madonna
44. Shame - Evelyn King
45. U Can't Touch This - MC Hammer
46. Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now) - C+C Music Factory
47. Crazy In Love - Beyonce
48. Gold Digger - Kanye West
49. Romeo - Basement Jaxx
50. Gett Off - Prince
51. Groove Is In The Heart (12" Version) - Dee-Lite
52. Loaded - Primal Scream
53. Step On (Stuff It In Mix) - Happy Mondays
54. Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes
55. The Lovecats - The Cure
56. There She Goes - The La's
57. Waterfall (12" Remix) - Stone Roses
58. Billie Jean (Original 12" Edit) - Michael Jackson
59. Superstition - Stevie Wonder
60. Thriller - Michael Jackson

"Da Auld Swapsies" Or "How To Get A House In 14 (Jammy) Steps"

Getting on to the property ladder needn't be so frustrating and expensive. With a bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of luck it seems that it can be done without any money at all!

Apparently some Canadian dude named Kyle MacDonald took a big red novelty paper clip and swapped it for a pen in the shape of a fish on craigslist.com. 13 swaps later and he had a house!

The swaps he made were:

01. Red novelty paper clip for a pen in the shape of a fish
02. The pen for a novelty door knob, shaped like a face
03. The door knob for a camping stove
04. The stove for a generator
05. The generator for a keg of beer and a neon Budweiser sign
06. The keg and sign for a snowmobile
07. The snowmobile for a trip to Yahk, Canada
08. The trip for a van
09. The van for a recording contract
10. The contract for a year rent-free in a house in Phoenix
11. The rent-free house for an afternoon hanging out with Alice Cooper
12. The afternoon with Alice Cooper for a KISS snowglobe
13. The snowglobe for a role in a Hollywood film
14. The film role for a house in Fort Saskatchewan, Canada

The house was bought by town officials in Kipling to perform the final swap. In exchange for the house, the role in the film will now be given to one of the town's residents after a talent competition is held.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go find something to swap that will help me finally get a bleedin' gaff...

Digital Kicks 004

Digital Kicks is back again for your listening pleasure.

As always you can listen to the mix at podomatic.com

The full tracklisting and corresponding start times in the mix are:

01. Mission Impossible - Lalo Schifrin / 00:00
02. Your Revolution - DJ Vadim ft Sarah Jones / 02:32
03. The Light Pours Out Of Me - Magazine / 07:21
04. Where Nobody Knows - Kings Of Leon / 11:57
05. Give My Love To Kevin (Acoustic) - The Wedding Present / 14:14
06. If She Wants Me - Belle & Sebastian / 17:02
07. Peanut Butter & Jelly - Beastie Boys / 22:02
08. Keep Steppin' - Omar / 24:15
09. Lion Rock - Culture / 28:03
10. One Nation Under A Groove - Chaka Demus & Pliers / 32:21
11. Optimo - Liquid Liquid / 36:37
12. Can't Stand My Baby - The Rezillos / 39:16
13. Totally Wired - The Fall / 41:37
14. Aisha - Death In Vegas ft Iggy Pop / 45:00
15. Shine On Me - The Mock Turtles / 50:51
16. Unbearable (Album Version) - The Wonder Stuff / 55:16
17. Can't Be Funky - Bush Tetras / 57:41
18. Beat It - Senor Coconut & His Orchestra / 60:22
19. Billie Jean (Original 12" Edit) - Michael Jackson / 63:46
20. Acid Is Music - DJ Ebar vs DJ Dimension / 70:02

MacGyver

Angus "Mac" MacGyver was an ex-secret agent of the TV Series MacGyver in the late 80s and early 90s. Aside from being the sexiest man on the planet according to Patty & Selma Bouvier, he was also probably the most resourceful.

This link to Wikipedia provides a near comprehensive list of all of the problems solved by MacGyver during the course of the TV show.

Some of the more intriguing entries include:

• The time he plugged a sulfuric acid leak with chocolate
• The time he rescued a dying friend by breaking down his door with a fire hose and elevator handrail
• The time he was in a plane being chased down a runway by several jeeps and built a roadblock with a fire extinguisher
• The time he fixed a broken fuel line with a ballpoint pen
• The time he blinded a couple of "bad guys" in a strip club by loading a confetti cannon with makeup powder
• The time he safely detonated a triggered landmine with a piece of string
• And who can forget the time when he blew open a locked truck door with an oil can, a pair of pantyhose, an old exhaust pipe and an old battery

It was amazing how he always found exactly the right items lying around him (wherever he was) and had such a vast amount of general science knowledge that enabled him to get out of just about any situation he encountered.

You might nearly say he was the greatest American hero but that was actually this guy:

The Downfall Of Bush In The US